... And they were not ashamed...

I'm trying to think how to put this into words and honestly I have to say this is the hardest thing.  This has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart. After several miscarriages I was discouraged  and heartbroken because I thought I would never have the chance to be a mother. Something I desperately wanted to be. I was bitter I was sad and just couldn't understand why I couldn't have children. But I was blessed to have two kiddos. I know of some friends who are close to me who is still dealing with the fact they can't have children or  those who can get pregnant and lose that baby. My heart aches for those friends because I know how much they want children and I was blessed with two. So I have two children why am I ashamed? 

With Noah when we found out I was expecting I was shocked, surprise, excited but very scared just because of previous miscarriages. Even with all those fears I was still excited to share the news. Because of my last pregnancies I suffered in silence and that cause more harm then good. We had Noah via c section but we were super happy to have our bundle of joy. Family and friends shared the same excitement.

Noah is four months and I'm pregnant again and this time the reaction was different. I got questions like was he planned? He has to be an accident right? Or again? You didn't even take a break. Those words hurt so much and something that supposed to be joyful wasn't joyful anymore. I know I shouldn't feel shameful or feel bad but I did. When people find out how close my kids are they feel entitled to tell me comments that's totally unnecessary. 

I feel when someone decides to have children should be between them and their spouses. Comments like AGAIN or weren't you using birth control is not appropriate. They are hurtful and makes one feel shameful. 

While talking to a friend and I told her I felt ashame about having children so close because of the negative reaction and one thing she said that put things into perspective for me was she said don't rely on others approval. I know it's simple but it really helped me. I guess it was the way she said. The lord told us not to be ashame and he has blessed me with two awesome children and I shouldn't be ashamed because of what society says is acceptable and what's not acceptable.I'm here to do his work and his approval is all that I need.  With that being said are you ready for what's next? Well let's see if you can guess.... Stay tuned :) 

Calling on the lord when trails come.

It was a regular Friday night and all of a sudden I'm going into labor. I was 31 weeks so there's no way I wanted to go into labor. I was having contractions every 3 minutes and by the time I got to the hospital I was rushed in and the doctors tried everything to stop the baby

from coming. I was given every medicine. I don't remember much about that day but it was very scary. All I wanted was for baby Levi to be alright.

After many attempts our doctor said baby is coming and I had to prep for labor. I was dialated at six by the time they checked me. So I had to prep for labor. Monday September 29th we welcomed baby Levi. He weighed 3 pounds. I didn't get to see him because he had to immediately be rushed to the NICU. The journey we had ahead of us was a long one. Seeing baby Levi in the NICU broke my heart and made me feel like I put him there. Here was that little soul fighting for his life and there was nothing I can do about it.  But those NICU doctors and nurses are amazing. They cared for Levi as if he was their own. 

That two and half month he was there started with why this had to happen and feeling angry and bitter to relying on the lord more than ever. I gained a strength I didn't know I had and slowly day by day we noticed that baby boy started to get better and make progress.  We celebrated the smallest victories and those small victories brought hope and peace that we desperately needed. I'm also so grateful that we had a good support system to help us get through this. The hospital became our second home. The hardest thing was seeing him make progress and then the next day no progress. At one time I thought the nurses wanted to steal my child because they didn't want him home but looking back they wanted what was best for him. I remember when we finally got to bring him home we were happy but nervous. We didn't think we could care for him the way he needed to be cared for but we did it. I'm not sure how but we did it. 

Sometimes we are faced with trails and we asked " why" why us? And I know Im guilty because I asked that over and over again.  I needed to remember my savior went through that trail for me once and that all I needed to do was to call on his name and when I did he helped me get through that trail. What a wonderful blessing and promise to know we can always call on him.

Fast forward two years later and we have this awesome little guy who if you look at him you wouldn't think he was born premature. I'm so grateful for the progress he is making. He celebrated his birthday and is an awesome little brother. He has taught us a lot and it's wonderful to see his little personality. We are grateful for him we are glad he chose us to be his parents. We know we have tons of a challenges ahead of us but we faced those challenges with the lord by our side and reminding hopeful.