... And they were not ashamed...

I'm trying to think how to put this into words and honestly I have to say this is the hardest thing.  This has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart. After several miscarriages I was discouraged  and heartbroken because I thought I would never have the chance to be a mother. Something I desperately wanted to be. I was bitter I was sad and just couldn't understand why I couldn't have children. But I was blessed to have two kiddos. I know of some friends who are close to me who is still dealing with the fact they can't have children or  those who can get pregnant and lose that baby. My heart aches for those friends because I know how much they want children and I was blessed with two. So I have two children why am I ashamed? 

With Noah when we found out I was expecting I was shocked, surprise, excited but very scared just because of previous miscarriages. Even with all those fears I was still excited to share the news. Because of my last pregnancies I suffered in silence and that cause more harm then good. We had Noah via c section but we were super happy to have our bundle of joy. Family and friends shared the same excitement.

Noah is four months and I'm pregnant again and this time the reaction was different. I got questions like was he planned? He has to be an accident right? Or again? You didn't even take a break. Those words hurt so much and something that supposed to be joyful wasn't joyful anymore. I know I shouldn't feel shameful or feel bad but I did. When people find out how close my kids are they feel entitled to tell me comments that's totally unnecessary. 

I feel when someone decides to have children should be between them and their spouses. Comments like AGAIN or weren't you using birth control is not appropriate. They are hurtful and makes one feel shameful. 

While talking to a friend and I told her I felt ashame about having children so close because of the negative reaction and one thing she said that put things into perspective for me was she said don't rely on others approval. I know it's simple but it really helped me. I guess it was the way she said. The lord told us not to be ashame and he has blessed me with two awesome children and I shouldn't be ashamed because of what society says is acceptable and what's not acceptable.I'm here to do his work and his approval is all that I need.  With that being said are you ready for what's next? Well let's see if you can guess.... Stay tuned :) 

Calling on the lord when trails come.

It was a regular Friday night and all of a sudden I'm going into labor. I was 31 weeks so there's no way I wanted to go into labor. I was having contractions every 3 minutes and by the time I got to the hospital I was rushed in and the doctors tried everything to stop the baby

from coming. I was given every medicine. I don't remember much about that day but it was very scary. All I wanted was for baby Levi to be alright.

After many attempts our doctor said baby is coming and I had to prep for labor. I was dialated at six by the time they checked me. So I had to prep for labor. Monday September 29th we welcomed baby Levi. He weighed 3 pounds. I didn't get to see him because he had to immediately be rushed to the NICU. The journey we had ahead of us was a long one. Seeing baby Levi in the NICU broke my heart and made me feel like I put him there. Here was that little soul fighting for his life and there was nothing I can do about it.  But those NICU doctors and nurses are amazing. They cared for Levi as if he was their own. 

That two and half month he was there started with why this had to happen and feeling angry and bitter to relying on the lord more than ever. I gained a strength I didn't know I had and slowly day by day we noticed that baby boy started to get better and make progress.  We celebrated the smallest victories and those small victories brought hope and peace that we desperately needed. I'm also so grateful that we had a good support system to help us get through this. The hospital became our second home. The hardest thing was seeing him make progress and then the next day no progress. At one time I thought the nurses wanted to steal my child because they didn't want him home but looking back they wanted what was best for him. I remember when we finally got to bring him home we were happy but nervous. We didn't think we could care for him the way he needed to be cared for but we did it. I'm not sure how but we did it. 

Sometimes we are faced with trails and we asked " why" why us? And I know Im guilty because I asked that over and over again.  I needed to remember my savior went through that trail for me once and that all I needed to do was to call on his name and when I did he helped me get through that trail. What a wonderful blessing and promise to know we can always call on him.

Fast forward two years later and we have this awesome little guy who if you look at him you wouldn't think he was born premature. I'm so grateful for the progress he is making. He celebrated his birthday and is an awesome little brother. He has taught us a lot and it's wonderful to see his little personality. We are grateful for him we are glad he chose us to be his parents. We know we have tons of a challenges ahead of us but we faced those challenges with the lord by our side and reminding hopeful. 

"Challenges come and challenges gone"

I am a firm believer that Heavenly Father is aware of all of us. While life has been very challenging, he's helped us through these challenges. He has said " come unto me... I will give thee rest"... I love being parents but with parenting come its own challenges. But Heavenly Father is a prime example of good parenting. I find the more I come to him and put my trust in him, the more I see his precious hands in my life. 

We thought we were doing the unthinkable when we got married? Now we are really doing the unthinkable with two kids. Two active kids that is:) but we love them so dearly. Didn't think it was possible but its very possible. 

How can you love challenges? Challenges makes us stronger and more appreciative. Although it's been a challenge with two young kids at home, it's been a rewarding challenge and for that I'm grateful.

No matter what you're going through always remember Heavenly Father's promise to his children. He has promise to always be there and I can testify of that. I have witnessed his hands to many times to deny such truths.Enjoy life's journey I know it's easier said then done but enjoy it. 

The joy of parenting

Noah is now three months old. Oh geez where did time go? It feels like just yesterday  we had him. It's true what they say, you really do need to cherish every moment. In those three months we've been pooped on, vomitted on, peeed on but oh ya did we mention  pooped on. But in those three months we also been giggled at, cuddled up with and cooed at. We also have a wiggle monster who likes to talk to us as he falls asleep.  It's amazing to see his own personality to develop Baby  Noah get so excited to see our faces that he can't contain himself. The parental instinct kicked in pretty quick but we still have a lot  to learn. We are grateful for the chance to be parents to such a sweet spirited cuddle bear. Our journal thus far has been amazing. 

OUR BABY STORY

Monday November 4th Ty and I went for our normal doctor visit and as we waited to be seen, Ty and I wondered if baby Noah will come early or will he come late? We were so anxious to meet him but we also knew he was breeched so  him coming early without turning first was not a good thing so our focus became on making sure Noah turned. I was already scheduled to have the doctor turn him if he didn't turn on his own.  We met with the doctor and she did an ultrasound and Noah was still breeched and she couldn't turn him because he was low on amniotic fluid so our doctor planned for me to have a c-section. I have only heard scary things about c-sections so of course I didn't want to have one but after talking to family and friends they said it's not as bad as some make it to be. But I was still terrified so once we got home from the doctors Ty called one of his closest friend Eric to give me a blessing. I felt better but still terrified since he about to be born the next day. Since it was a surprise I tried to mentally prepare myself for the c-section but I couldn't because this whole pregnancy has been a nightmare and it was to not to keep thinking about all the things that have been wrong and all the things that could go wrong. 

So the big  day is  finally here, Ty and I got up both nervous  as heck and we headed to the hospital in Idaho falls. There we were greeted by  the nicest nurses. They welcomed Ty and I and made us feel  very comfortable. They did an awesome job taking my mind off the whole c-section. My doctor finally came in to meet with us and She told us what to expect, how she will be performing the c section and who will be assisting in the c section but what I mostly enjoyed is the fact that she said " I had a dream about you last night, you gave birth to a healthy baby boy and I been praying for  you and everything is going to be alright." After hearing those words I felt comforted and once I told Ty I felt comforted he too was comforted.  He was excited  to finally meet our baby boy and He was also super excited about the c-section because in his own words " I get to see your insides. "  I don't remember much about the whole procedure but  as soon as I heard Noah crying  I knew he was okay. Baby Noah was born November 5th 2013 weighing 9lbs 2 ounces and 20 inches. He and Ty went to another room while the doctors finished working on me. I was so blessed to have great doctors and nurses to take great care of me. I  now sit here and I don't remember everything but I do remember how amazing the staff in the hospital were. I remember the recovery process because it sucked but I'm so grateful because I had amazing people to help me along. I'm grateful for  family and friends who helped and I'm especially grateful for the ladies in the church who came together to make  sure Ty and I were okay. They had meals ready and even helped with cleaning. What ever we needed they were there. "As sisters in Zion we all work together..." I truly believe in those words. " charity never faileth" and those sisters in my ward and those other people who helped us truly live up to those words. 

Unspoken Words

This is a topic that’s not talked about amongst many.  It’s very understandable to as why?

My pregnancy journey has been scary. Something that’s supposed to be joyful was replaced with fear and a lot of uncertainty?  Don’t get me wrong I was happy for this bundle of joy and I took every day as a blessing. But those doubts and fears always some how seems to creep into my mind.

Ty and I found out that we were expecting and although we were nervous we were also super excited but that excitement only lasted for a few weeks because at 7 weeks the baby stopped growing. We didn’t know until the doctor came in with the news. It was mind blowing because all the pregnancy test said I was pregnant. The doctor gave us the option to miscarry naturally or have a D&C. we decided naturally but after three weeks of nothing our only option was the D&C. I knew the doctor was just doing his job but the way he went about informing us about the pregnancy made it seem as if he didn’t care. He treated this pregnancy like any other. We were left to deal with the hurt and pretend we didn’t just lose the baby because according to the doctor statistics shows, you are bound to have a miscarriage because about 10-20 percent pregnancy’s ends in miscarriages. A few months later we found out we were expecting again but only to have it end once again. Devastated and torn we continued on with our lives as if everything was okay. We didn’t know why this kept happening but we also knew that everything happens for a reason. But believe me at times it was hard to have faith and to continue pressing forward but I had a loving husband, and no matter how hard I tried to lose my faith he kept encouraging me to keep it.  About three months later we found out we were expecting once more but this one also didn’t make it. It was considered a chemical pregnancy. With my hopes of being a mother all gone Ty and I decided to stop trying because this rollercoaster was taking a huge toll on us, it was taking a toll emotionally, physically and spiritually.

As I was walking to class I got the feeling that I was going to be a mother and that I was going to get to pregnant. When? I didn’t know.  Eager to share the news with Ty I couldn’t pay attention in class. He came to pick me up and I shared the news with him and that was the end of that. I told him lets go buy a test but he wanted to wait but I couldn’t wait. I still had three weeks until Mother Nature was supposed to come but he caved in and we bought the test. Ty waited in the living room while I took the test. As two pink lines appear on that stick I shouted out for Ty.  I showed him the results and both us an amazement we hugged and scream for who knows how long and this was February of this year. The day we found out we both got on our knees praying to Heavenly Father for comfort. I also got a blessing of healing, which was very much needed. After we got done with our prayer both Ty and I felt this pregnancy was different. So the question now was, was it? The spirit confirmed it to us  but the human in me was in disbelief.  6 weeks into the pregnancy things weren’t going so well. I had to go to the doctor and most doctors don’t like to see you until you are 8 weeks and my previous doctor knowing my situation still wouldn’t see me so Ty and I did our research and we switch doctors. Glad we did because once these doctors heard our story and heard of the pain I was having they wanted me to come in.  They did tons of blood work but everything came out fine.

So here we are at 8 weeks and this is the furthest I’ve made into a pregnancy and I am experiencing heavy bleeding. Scared to my core we went to the doctor.  Already expecting to hear “ sorry you’re baby didn’t make it” the ultrasound proved differently. This little one was a fighter and he had strong heartbeat. Just to be cautious though I had to go to the doctor every week.  I wasn’t getting any better so I was put on bed rest. This lasted for the whole first trimester. Bed rest sucked but I would take bed rest as long as my baby was okay. I got off bed rest two weeks into the 2^nd trimester. I still have had little scares here and there but through them all baby Noah has still continued to fight.

 To this day I am still terrified. I look at that ultrasound, I hear the baby’s heartbeat all that should be a confirmation but the human in me still is scared to death.

I am now 30 weeks pregnant and baby Noah is still is going strong. He wants to meet his parents and Ty and I can’t wait to meet him. Yes this pregnancy has been tough but it’s definitely has been a test on my faith.

So if you or anyone you know has gone through this, tell them keep the faith even though it might seem like the last thing you want to do. I really understand why this topic is not talked about but for me I really wished I had talked about it. Keeping it all to myself did not do any good. It just left me in pain, lots of fears and a lot of whys and it is for this purpose I decided to write this.

 Here is my testimony I know that God lives and he answers prayers. I know that his spirit did indeed confirm to me that day while walking to class that I was going to be a mother. I know that because of the power of the priesthood I was able to receive a blessing of healing and comfort.  Baby Noah has chosen Ty and I to be his parents and this I know with all my heart. I am grateful that no matter how hard the adversary tried to strike me out, I had a loving husband who would strike back by constantly reminding me “Heavenly Father told both us that this pregnancy was different”.  I am grateful that every night he knelt down and prayed to his heavenly father to protect baby Noah even when I didn’t want to. I am grateful for this blessing and I know trials come only to make us stronger. I believe that with all my heart in the name of my savior Jesus the Christ Amen. 

A year already?

Ty and I just celebrated our one year anniversary on December 21, 2012. I can't believe it. This past year was a pain but I'm happy that we had a good support system through it all. Ty and I understand the definition of trail and I am glad despite of what we went through, our faith prevail. For our anniversary Ty and I went to Salt Lake City, Utah. We had such a blast! We've been to Utah several times but this trip made it seem as if we've never been before. 

After we got sorted in our hotel room we had a chance to explore the cuisine of Salt Lake.  Yum!  But unfortunately, we got lost along the way because of the GPS that we had on our phone.  It was times like this we wished that we had a Garmin.  We then had an adventure through downtown Salt Lake and the view was spectacular at night with all of the lights twinkling made it seem like there were little stars on the ground at a real far distance. 

The next day is what really made the trip special, we were able to do a session in the Salt Lake Temple.  It was amazing to actually see a session live and to be in such a beautiful setting!  What made it even more beautiful was the fact that there were thirty weddings occurring that very day!  The whole time we were there we saw a new bride and groom and my thoughts were taken back to our wedding day. 

After that the day started to come to an end and despite the large size of Salt Lake it is still a rather peaceful place.  The sun was starting to set over the mountain ranges painting the sky with breath taking orange colors and a purple hue.  We walked out of the temple to that peaceful tranquility and all seemed right with the world.

To this day, as I write this, I am in shock that it has been a whole year.  The year that we have had to bear has been too much at times.  There have been times when it felt as if our whole world was crumbling down and that it was impossible to go on.  But the fact that we loved each other more than any other thing in this world made it possible to continue despite opposition.  We have one goal in mind as a couple, one goal that we have set our hearts to and built the foundation of our marriage on.  Our goal to love the Savior more than anything in this world and to one day live with Him and together as a family for all time and eternity.